I am Caleb Fielding and I have a question for you. When you are at church how should you treat someone of the opposite sex?
To often we have gotten our ideals on how to treat people of the opposite sex from books, and sermons on dating and courting. Most of the people of the opposite sex I go to church with I will never date, nor want to date. You talk with them for a few minutes and you learn really quickly that they are nice but you just don’t click or there is some other issue that prevents you from wanting to date them.
So how does God’s Word tell us to treat the 99.9% of people of the opposite sex that we are never going to be romantically interested in.
The Bible tells us in I Timothy 5:1-2
1Ti 5:1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
1Ti 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
In the last lesson we talked about the most normal relationships we have as singles. The relationships that men have with other men and the relationships women have with other women. Today we are going to talk about the most uncomfortable relationships we have as singles. The relationships between men and women.
When you as a man go to church there are women that attend church with you, and the Bible commands that you treat those women as sisters.
Ladies when you go to church you are to treat the men in the church as brothers.
In scripture the Bible is clear that men are to interact with women the same way they would with men unless the issue of purity is brought into question. The Bible is clear that women are to interact with men the same way they would interact with women unless it would somehow impede purity in some way.
The reality is that when God tells men and women to treat each other with purity, that word has 3 different connotations. The first is sexual purity, where we do not have sex outside of marriage (fornicate), or commit adultery. The second is chastity which includes the idea of modesty, and how you dress. The third is living a sinless life.
The third connotation changes the application of this verse based on where you are at in life.
For instance if a Christian man and woman are married. They are brother and sister in Christ but for them to live a pure life they are to be sexual, and anything sexual between them (in word, conversation, or deed) is pure according to Hebrews 13:4. I Corinthians 7:3-5 tells us that it’s a sin for a husband and wife to defraud one another, and this would include defrauding one another sexually. So for a married couple to be pure, to be living a sinless life, they must have some sort of regular sex life that neither defrauds the husband or wife. That’s purity in marriage.
For singles we are very much at the opposite end of the spectrum. I would argue that men and women who are not married not only should not do sexual things but also should not talk about sexual things with each other.
Maybe you think this is super easy but the reality is that 70% of men are addicted to pornography and 30% of women are addicted to pornography. There is often a great temptation for a man and woman to share their addiction with each other, but that is not appropriate.
We live in a society scared by sexual sin, many people have had sex outside of the bounds of marriage, things like abortion have touched the lives of men and women, 1 in 4 women have been molested as a child and 1 in 6 men have been molested as a child. If you fall into this category and you are a man its very appropriate for you to talk about your struggle with other men, and its very biblical to bring this to the attention of your pastor and seek counseling, but its not okay to share this with women. If you are a lady its very appropriate to share this with other women, or the pastors wife or to get counseling by older wiser women in the local church. But its not appropriate to share this with the other men in the local church.
I will say this. If you are a single adult you are probably not going to be single forever. When you get to the transition stage of engagement there will be a middle ground between marriage where everything sexual is pure between a husband a wife, and singleness where nothing is pure of a sexual nature between a man and woman. During this transitional period you should be getting counseling and during this time you should explain to the person you are engaged to about any sexual sins in your past, and you should also (probably at a later date) tell each other what you expectations and beliefs about sex are.
This conversation would be a pure conversation because remember a part of purity is living a sinless life, and as you are transitioning toward marriage you both need to be on the same page when it comes to sexuality, forgiveness over past sexual sins, and understanding over past sexual scars. If either one of you cannot deal with the past of the other one then you should break up before it leads to sin in marriage. On the other hand this also gives both of you the opportunity to receive specific counseling for any problems you have long before marriage.
One of the reasons why this type of conversation should be reserved for engagement is that this type of very personal and sexual conversation may lead to it being very hard for both of you being able to control the lust of your flesh. If you are engaged, then there should be no problems with you changing your wedding date to today, and eloping at the court house. Since sexual conversations can lead to sex, in order to remain pure (to live a sinless life) all sexual conversation between a man and woman should happen after engagement because its much simpler for an engaged couple to get married than any other kind of couple. See I Corinthians 7:9
I said all that to say this, everything that is not of a sexual nature in your life is appropriate to be shared with someone of the opposite sex. In fact as long as its not of a sexual nature the Bible encourages men and women to share everything else. You are brothers and sisters in Christ and you should know whats going on in each other’s lives, and you should be able to share things with each other.
Your Relationship with someone of the opposite sex in the local church should closely resemble your relationship with the same gender in the local church. Again, I want to emphasize this; we are not talking about romance, we are talking about the family of God.
In this family we should consider (Hebrews 10:24), to think carefully about, members of the opposite sex who we go to church with. We should get to know their name, their occupation, and their testimony at the very least, because they are family through Jesus Christ. It doesn’t matter whether they are married or single, they are family and we should consider them.
We ought to care (I Corinthians 12:25) for members of the opposite sex in our church. It doesn’t matter whether they are married or single. If they have a legitimate need and we can meet that need we should care enough to meet that need for them. If nothing else we can care enough about them to pray for them.
When we are part of a local church the men should provoke the women to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24). Not to love the men, but to love Christ, and a lost and dying world and provoking them to the work that is necessary to be close to Christ and reach that world. The women should be provoking the men to do the same thing. It doesn’t matter whether they are married or single, we should be provoking church members.
When you go to church you should exhort the people of the opposite sex (Hebrews 10:25). You should strengthen them, encourage them, lift them up.
When you are struggling, hurting or suffering, it is right to share that with the opposite sex (I Corinthians 12:26) as long as it’s not a purity issue. When we are struggling and hurting and suffering everyone in the church, both men and women should know about it.
When God blesses us we should also be able to share that with everyone in the local church (I Corinthians 12:26) including members of the opposite sex.
Finally when God blesses someone of the opposite sex in our church and we find out about it we should rejoice with them (I Corinthians 12:26).
Maybe you are thinking this sounds like romance but if so it’s because our culture focuses so much on romance between men and women.
Honestly the best example of this principle in Scripture is Jesus in how he treated both Mary and Martha.
In John 11 when Lazarus died, Jesus considered these women, cared for these women, he suffered when they suffered (Jesus wept with them), Jesus certainly exhorted them when he raised their brother back from the dead.
In John 12 Jesus’s good work provoked both Mary and Martha to good works, in that Martha served supper, and Mary took a pound of ointment of spikenard and anointed Jesus with it and wiped His feet with her hair. Jesus said in mark 14 that wherever the gospel is preached, because of her good work, there will be a memorial to her.
Jesus developed a very deep close relationship with these women, that was not romantic in the least.
One of the things that we as singles need to understand about how Jesus interacted with these women is Jesus never did anything exclusive with these women. Jesus never told Mary or Martha anything that he never told anyone else. Jesus never did a miracle for Mary or Martha that he didn’t do for others. Jesus interacted with Mary and Martha just like he interacted with everyone else, Man or Woman. And yet Jesus still developed a relationship with real depth with them.
Maybe you are wondering how I can say Jesus never did anything exclusive with either one of them when Jesus showed Himself to Mary first in John 20. I would argue that Jesus did not show himself exclusively to Mary, he just showed himself to Mary first. In I Corinthians 15:6 we find out that Jesus showed himself to over 500 people. So nothing about Jesus’s relationship with Mary was exclusive, it just so happens that Jesus did something for Mary first, one time.
I will say this to singles, unless you are in a relationship that is understood to be romantic by both parties, you should not be doing anything exclusive with someone of the opposite sex. If you share something with anyone of the opposite sex, share that with as many people as you can. Exclusivity with someone of the opposite sex without a clear understanding of romantic intent is not healthy.
Considering, caring, exhorting, sharing suffering, sharing joy, provoking to love and good works is to be normal interaction with your brothers and sisters in Christ. This isn’t romance. That said when you step out and obey these scriptures with someone of the opposite sex it should be reciprocated.
If you get to know someone so that you can consider them, they should get to know you so that they can consider you.
If you care for someone in due time when they have opportunity they will care for you.
If you consistently exhort someone sooner or later they will exhort you.
If you are sharing your suffering with others sooner or later they will share their suffering with you.
If you rejoice when they are honored sooner or later they will rejoice when you are honored.
As you intentionally obey the Bible on developing close healthy relationships it will give others the courage to do the same.
I would argue that Mary and other women who interacted with Jesus reciprocated how Christ interacted with them.
As Christ interacted with Mary and Martha that gave Mary and Marta the opportunity to get to know and Consider Christ.
As Christ cared for and ministered to people, Mary and Martha in turn had opportunities to care for Christ. Martha in serving Christ in Luke 10, and Mary in anointing Jesus feet in John 12.
When Lazerous died Jesus came and wept with Mary, when Jesus was dying on the cross mary and other women stood afar off according to Matthew 27. Jesus suffering with them opened the door for them to suffer with Jesus.
In Mark 14 Mary did a wonderful work in anointing Jesus with the ointment of spikenard , when another disciple rebuked her for it, Jesus praised her for her good work, and honored her. If Jesus had not stood up for her, would she have been there when Christ died on the cross? We know Mary was the first person that found out about Jesus being risen from the grave. Would that have happened if Jesus had not honored and rejoice with her? Because Jesus honored and rejoiced with her in Mark 14, Mary got to rejoice with Jesus when he rose from the grave.
The relationship between Jesus, and Mary and Martha shows that we should be close to our brothers and sisters in Christ, and when we are close there is no necessity for romance. Developing this type of close relationship between men and women is obedience.
In conclusion this would probably be the best lesson in the serious to talk with your pastor about. The sad reality is that most married couples are not as close to each other as God calls us to be to our brothers and sisters in Christ. So before you try to get close to anyone of the opposite sex in your church, talk with your pastor about it, the pastor should be aware enough of his people to tell you who that would be healthy for, and where it would be a bad idea. Talking with your pastor will allow you to avoid some pitfalls that your pastor knows about that you have no way of knowing about.
As for your own emotional healthy you do need to learn how to have a close relationship with people of the opposite sex. God designed men and women, if the men are totally isolated from the women then its not healthy for the men. If women are totally isolated from men its not healthy for the women. So I would encourage you to befriend those of the opposite sex because we really do need to have those relationships.
To often we have gotten our ideals on how to treat people of the opposite sex from books, and sermons on dating and courting. Most of the people of the opposite sex I go to church with I will never date, nor want to date. You talk with them for a few minutes and you learn really quickly that they are nice but you just don’t click or there is some other issue that prevents you from wanting to date them.
So how does God’s Word tell us to treat the 99.9% of people of the opposite sex that we are never going to be romantically interested in.
The Bible tells us in I Timothy 5:1-2
1Ti 5:1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
1Ti 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
In the last lesson we talked about the most normal relationships we have as singles. The relationships that men have with other men and the relationships women have with other women. Today we are going to talk about the most uncomfortable relationships we have as singles. The relationships between men and women.
When you as a man go to church there are women that attend church with you, and the Bible commands that you treat those women as sisters.
Ladies when you go to church you are to treat the men in the church as brothers.
In scripture the Bible is clear that men are to interact with women the same way they would with men unless the issue of purity is brought into question. The Bible is clear that women are to interact with men the same way they would interact with women unless it would somehow impede purity in some way.
The reality is that when God tells men and women to treat each other with purity, that word has 3 different connotations. The first is sexual purity, where we do not have sex outside of marriage (fornicate), or commit adultery. The second is chastity which includes the idea of modesty, and how you dress. The third is living a sinless life.
The third connotation changes the application of this verse based on where you are at in life.
For instance if a Christian man and woman are married. They are brother and sister in Christ but for them to live a pure life they are to be sexual, and anything sexual between them (in word, conversation, or deed) is pure according to Hebrews 13:4. I Corinthians 7:3-5 tells us that it’s a sin for a husband and wife to defraud one another, and this would include defrauding one another sexually. So for a married couple to be pure, to be living a sinless life, they must have some sort of regular sex life that neither defrauds the husband or wife. That’s purity in marriage.
For singles we are very much at the opposite end of the spectrum. I would argue that men and women who are not married not only should not do sexual things but also should not talk about sexual things with each other.
Maybe you think this is super easy but the reality is that 70% of men are addicted to pornography and 30% of women are addicted to pornography. There is often a great temptation for a man and woman to share their addiction with each other, but that is not appropriate.
We live in a society scared by sexual sin, many people have had sex outside of the bounds of marriage, things like abortion have touched the lives of men and women, 1 in 4 women have been molested as a child and 1 in 6 men have been molested as a child. If you fall into this category and you are a man its very appropriate for you to talk about your struggle with other men, and its very biblical to bring this to the attention of your pastor and seek counseling, but its not okay to share this with women. If you are a lady its very appropriate to share this with other women, or the pastors wife or to get counseling by older wiser women in the local church. But its not appropriate to share this with the other men in the local church.
I will say this. If you are a single adult you are probably not going to be single forever. When you get to the transition stage of engagement there will be a middle ground between marriage where everything sexual is pure between a husband a wife, and singleness where nothing is pure of a sexual nature between a man and woman. During this transitional period you should be getting counseling and during this time you should explain to the person you are engaged to about any sexual sins in your past, and you should also (probably at a later date) tell each other what you expectations and beliefs about sex are.
This conversation would be a pure conversation because remember a part of purity is living a sinless life, and as you are transitioning toward marriage you both need to be on the same page when it comes to sexuality, forgiveness over past sexual sins, and understanding over past sexual scars. If either one of you cannot deal with the past of the other one then you should break up before it leads to sin in marriage. On the other hand this also gives both of you the opportunity to receive specific counseling for any problems you have long before marriage.
One of the reasons why this type of conversation should be reserved for engagement is that this type of very personal and sexual conversation may lead to it being very hard for both of you being able to control the lust of your flesh. If you are engaged, then there should be no problems with you changing your wedding date to today, and eloping at the court house. Since sexual conversations can lead to sex, in order to remain pure (to live a sinless life) all sexual conversation between a man and woman should happen after engagement because its much simpler for an engaged couple to get married than any other kind of couple. See I Corinthians 7:9
I said all that to say this, everything that is not of a sexual nature in your life is appropriate to be shared with someone of the opposite sex. In fact as long as its not of a sexual nature the Bible encourages men and women to share everything else. You are brothers and sisters in Christ and you should know whats going on in each other’s lives, and you should be able to share things with each other.
Your Relationship with someone of the opposite sex in the local church should closely resemble your relationship with the same gender in the local church. Again, I want to emphasize this; we are not talking about romance, we are talking about the family of God.
In this family we should consider (Hebrews 10:24), to think carefully about, members of the opposite sex who we go to church with. We should get to know their name, their occupation, and their testimony at the very least, because they are family through Jesus Christ. It doesn’t matter whether they are married or single, they are family and we should consider them.
We ought to care (I Corinthians 12:25) for members of the opposite sex in our church. It doesn’t matter whether they are married or single. If they have a legitimate need and we can meet that need we should care enough to meet that need for them. If nothing else we can care enough about them to pray for them.
When we are part of a local church the men should provoke the women to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24). Not to love the men, but to love Christ, and a lost and dying world and provoking them to the work that is necessary to be close to Christ and reach that world. The women should be provoking the men to do the same thing. It doesn’t matter whether they are married or single, we should be provoking church members.
When you go to church you should exhort the people of the opposite sex (Hebrews 10:25). You should strengthen them, encourage them, lift them up.
When you are struggling, hurting or suffering, it is right to share that with the opposite sex (I Corinthians 12:26) as long as it’s not a purity issue. When we are struggling and hurting and suffering everyone in the church, both men and women should know about it.
When God blesses us we should also be able to share that with everyone in the local church (I Corinthians 12:26) including members of the opposite sex.
Finally when God blesses someone of the opposite sex in our church and we find out about it we should rejoice with them (I Corinthians 12:26).
Maybe you are thinking this sounds like romance but if so it’s because our culture focuses so much on romance between men and women.
Honestly the best example of this principle in Scripture is Jesus in how he treated both Mary and Martha.
In John 11 when Lazarus died, Jesus considered these women, cared for these women, he suffered when they suffered (Jesus wept with them), Jesus certainly exhorted them when he raised their brother back from the dead.
In John 12 Jesus’s good work provoked both Mary and Martha to good works, in that Martha served supper, and Mary took a pound of ointment of spikenard and anointed Jesus with it and wiped His feet with her hair. Jesus said in mark 14 that wherever the gospel is preached, because of her good work, there will be a memorial to her.
Jesus developed a very deep close relationship with these women, that was not romantic in the least.
One of the things that we as singles need to understand about how Jesus interacted with these women is Jesus never did anything exclusive with these women. Jesus never told Mary or Martha anything that he never told anyone else. Jesus never did a miracle for Mary or Martha that he didn’t do for others. Jesus interacted with Mary and Martha just like he interacted with everyone else, Man or Woman. And yet Jesus still developed a relationship with real depth with them.
Maybe you are wondering how I can say Jesus never did anything exclusive with either one of them when Jesus showed Himself to Mary first in John 20. I would argue that Jesus did not show himself exclusively to Mary, he just showed himself to Mary first. In I Corinthians 15:6 we find out that Jesus showed himself to over 500 people. So nothing about Jesus’s relationship with Mary was exclusive, it just so happens that Jesus did something for Mary first, one time.
I will say this to singles, unless you are in a relationship that is understood to be romantic by both parties, you should not be doing anything exclusive with someone of the opposite sex. If you share something with anyone of the opposite sex, share that with as many people as you can. Exclusivity with someone of the opposite sex without a clear understanding of romantic intent is not healthy.
Considering, caring, exhorting, sharing suffering, sharing joy, provoking to love and good works is to be normal interaction with your brothers and sisters in Christ. This isn’t romance. That said when you step out and obey these scriptures with someone of the opposite sex it should be reciprocated.
If you get to know someone so that you can consider them, they should get to know you so that they can consider you.
If you care for someone in due time when they have opportunity they will care for you.
If you consistently exhort someone sooner or later they will exhort you.
If you are sharing your suffering with others sooner or later they will share their suffering with you.
If you rejoice when they are honored sooner or later they will rejoice when you are honored.
As you intentionally obey the Bible on developing close healthy relationships it will give others the courage to do the same.
I would argue that Mary and other women who interacted with Jesus reciprocated how Christ interacted with them.
As Christ interacted with Mary and Martha that gave Mary and Marta the opportunity to get to know and Consider Christ.
As Christ cared for and ministered to people, Mary and Martha in turn had opportunities to care for Christ. Martha in serving Christ in Luke 10, and Mary in anointing Jesus feet in John 12.
When Lazerous died Jesus came and wept with Mary, when Jesus was dying on the cross mary and other women stood afar off according to Matthew 27. Jesus suffering with them opened the door for them to suffer with Jesus.
In Mark 14 Mary did a wonderful work in anointing Jesus with the ointment of spikenard , when another disciple rebuked her for it, Jesus praised her for her good work, and honored her. If Jesus had not stood up for her, would she have been there when Christ died on the cross? We know Mary was the first person that found out about Jesus being risen from the grave. Would that have happened if Jesus had not honored and rejoice with her? Because Jesus honored and rejoiced with her in Mark 14, Mary got to rejoice with Jesus when he rose from the grave.
The relationship between Jesus, and Mary and Martha shows that we should be close to our brothers and sisters in Christ, and when we are close there is no necessity for romance. Developing this type of close relationship between men and women is obedience.
In conclusion this would probably be the best lesson in the serious to talk with your pastor about. The sad reality is that most married couples are not as close to each other as God calls us to be to our brothers and sisters in Christ. So before you try to get close to anyone of the opposite sex in your church, talk with your pastor about it, the pastor should be aware enough of his people to tell you who that would be healthy for, and where it would be a bad idea. Talking with your pastor will allow you to avoid some pitfalls that your pastor knows about that you have no way of knowing about.
As for your own emotional healthy you do need to learn how to have a close relationship with people of the opposite sex. God designed men and women, if the men are totally isolated from the women then its not healthy for the men. If women are totally isolated from men its not healthy for the women. So I would encourage you to befriend those of the opposite sex because we really do need to have those relationships.